Spuyten Duyvil

Yes, there are bars and bathrooms in Brooklyn as well, like this one at the Spuyten Duyvil, the home of rare and obscure beers. This bathrooms, located in the back of the bar on the right comes not only with the essentials - paper towels, enough toilet paper, mirror above the sink, antibacterial hand soap - but also provides its patrons with things to entertain themselves with while doing what it is they need to do. Just outside the bathroom is a bookshelf filled with entertaining reads, so you can occupy your time as you occupy the bathroom. Also, within the room, above the toilet is a can of chalk, for doodling on the walls if you get board. And, in case doodling is not your thing, it is certainly entertaining enough just to peruse the art on the walls to see how others pass their time in there.

• Cleanliness - 2.5 flushes (but this rating was on a Sunday afternoon. I've been told it gets much worse at night)
• Aroma - 2 flushes
• Pros - all the essentials, plus the activities
• Cons - one of two bathrooms in the bar, so there tends to be a line
• Overall experience - 2.5 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

Eight Mile Creek

The bathroom at Eight Mile Creek is a bit difficult to find, even when not inebriated. Go past the bar and the patrons seated eating their dinner and you will arrive in a dark hallway before you hit the kitchen and on your right you will find a door. Now for the tricky part - the door slides open to the left. So you can push forward with all your might and curse the imaginary person inside for taking so long, but it would be pointless since all you have to do is apply a bit of pressure and slide the door to the left. When you finally make your way into the bathroom, you will find a gem. It's wood backsplash, soothing moss-green walls, lit aromatic candles, sweet smelling handsoap, fresh flowers, soft toilet papers will lead you to believe the Aussies treat their guest much better than American bar/restaurants do.

• Cleanliness - 1 flush
• Aroma - 1.5 flushes ( the scented candles and close vicinity to the kitchen do the trick)
• Pros - soft toilet paper, good amount of paper towels, large room, well decorated
• Cons - difficult to find, and once found, difficult to open the damn door
• Overall experience - 1.5 flushes (now tied for 1st place with Kush)

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

Bubby's - Tribeca

The bathroom at Bubby's continues the eclectic and eccentric decor of the restaurant, but too much attention seems to be focused on kitsch rather than practicality. Case and point - the place is decorated with framed pictures on the pepto-pink walls, lace table cloth on the table next to the sink, and hard water stains in the free standing sink for a very grandma's-bathroom-feel, but the stalls have no trash cans (even when the sign above the toilet states nothing can be thrown in the toilet besides toilet paper, so where is one supposed to throw things?) There was also a terrible lack of toilet paper on the afternoon I was there. But, for some unknown reason, there was a spare roll sitting next to the sink, just a bit out of reach.

• Cleanliness - 3 flushes (it is supposed to feel old so it can't be too clean)
• Aroma - 2.5 flushes
• Pros - plunger, 2 stalls and if there is a really long line, there is a game room down the hall, large mirror, places in the stalls and by the sink to rest your belongings
• Cons - lack of toilet paper in the necessary places, no trash cans in stalls
• Overall experience - 3 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

L'Express

Head straight past the bar to the small, dark hallway on the right and you will find the single men and ladies room at L'Express. Here you may encounter a line, but at least they provide you with reading material and a mirror to amuse yourself with. The bathroom is very dimly lit, and with the dark grey-tiled walls everything is almost indiscernible. Even though this is a 24 hour joint, they still need to fit in a bathroom cleaning every now and again. I went on a Sunday morning for brunch and there was toilet paper surrounding the toilet and paper towels spilled all over the counter. Otherwise, the bathroom was relatively clean and smelled pleasant enough, with a large counter above the sink to hold my belongings, toilet seat covers, and plenty of paper products (albeit, strewn about).

• Cleanliness - 3.5 flushes
• Aroma - 2.5 flushes
• Amenities - large sink, mirror, enjoyable artwork above the toilet, toilet seat covers, industrial pink soap
• Overall experience - 3 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

Mo's Caribbean

The bathrooms at Mo's Caribbean seems a bit out of place in a Caribbean themed bar/restaurant and would make more sense aesthetically at a venue like Southpaw. It was a very nicely decorated with bright tiles and a red sink area, but I could see it becoming a bit disorienting after downing one-to-many shots at the bar. There were three stalls in the ladies room, each with enough space to sit comfortably. Each had a trash can and ample amounts of toilet paper (so much someone decided to decorate the floor of one stall with it). On the wall above the sink area was white industrial soap and a paper towel dispenser.

• Cleanliness - 3 flushes
• Aroma - 3 flushes
• Pros - large room with 3 stalls, 2 mirrors - one above sinks and the other above a convenient shelf along one wall
• Cons - located downstairs - which can be difficult to maneuver while intoxicated, slightly alarming decor
• Overall experience - 3 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

Muldoon's

At Muldoon's in midtown, you'll find two single bathrooms located on the wall directly across from the bar. The women's room has all of the necessities - 2 toilet paper rolls located at a good distance from the toilet, soap dispenser with industrial pink soap, mirror, trash can, and a paper towel dispenser. The bathroom is typically cleanish and large enough for you to comfortably sit and contemplate. The only problem with the bathroom is the location. Since Muldoon's is essentially a long hallway with not much room in between the bathroom wall and the bar, one does not have a slight sense of security - you can certainly hear the people at the bar when in the bathroom, so it only makes sense that they can hear you too. Fortunately, on Wednesday nights they have karaoke at Muldoon's so everyone will be listening to bad renditions of Don't Look Back In Anger rather than listening to you.

• Cleanliness - 3 flushes
• Aroma - 2.5 flushes
• Pros - easily accessible from the bar
• Cons - too easily accessible from the bar
• Overall experience - 3 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

Hooters

In a place where women are treated like objects, you'd think they'd treat their objects to a nice bathroom - one with full length mirrors so the girls can make sure their outfits are exposing the right parts; perhaps one with good lighting so that the girls can apply their makeup to perfection; one maybe with a chair or bench where the girls could take a break. But there are no such amenities in the Hooters bathroom. Hang a right after you come in the front door and follow the "John J. Crapper" signs to the right and you will happen upon the bathrooms. The women's bathroom has a very industrial feeling to it with a kindergarten classroom aesthetic quality - as seen in the primary color tiles on the walls. The sink counter is quite large, but looks like something you would find in an elementary school kitchen, rather than in a bathroom. And under it are boxes of industrial-sized cleaning products and other hazardous materials. There are three stalls, one quite large with a baby changing table in it, two sinks, two soap dispensers (of course with the pink soap), two mirrors, and a paper towel roll.

• Cleanliness - 2.5 flushes
• Aroma - surprisingly it smelled more like cleaning products in here than buffalo wings, 3 flushes
• Pros - large with 3 stalls, each stall has its own trash can, lots of cleaning supplies for really large messes
• Overall experience - 2.5 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

Sutra

The downstairs bathrooms at Sutra are not as swanky as the cordon outside this club might lead you to believe. In fact, while I was there on Saturday night, I found them to be cramped, toilet paper was available, just not on the roll (much like in my apartment), the floor was wet and there was a foul odor in the air. Yes, these are bathrooms and they are not there for us to spend long periods of time in, however, there are things you can do in order to spruce them up a bit. Designating one bathroom men's and the other women's is always a good start. In most cases a men's bathroom tends to be dirtier, since as we all know, men don't have to sit down on the seat, so why keep it clean (especially at a bar). But women prefer to keep the toilet seat and floor as clean as possible, for obvious reasons. So, having two unisex rooms means you'll most likely end up with two equally dirty bathrooms and some very unhappy female patrons. Also, not just placing the toilet paper on the roll, but having the toilet paper roll in a location that is comfortable to reach while sitting down is nice, neither of which happened at Sutra. There was a small oval mirror over the sink, the standard pink industrial hand soap and a hand dryer (nothing as impressive as the Excel dryer at Coppersmith's).

• Cleanliness - 3.5 flushes
• Aroma - 3.5 flushes
• Pros - plunger, trash can, toilet paper (just not on the roll)
• Cons - small space, wet floor, only 2 single bathrooms so there could be a wait
• Overall experience - 3.5 flushes

Coppersmith's

The bathroom at Coppersmith's in Hell's Kitchen has a lot going for it, but also a lot of problems. First the problems - there are no locks on the stall doors. The doors do not swing open when you have closed them, but still, some sort of locking mechanism is always a good idea. Also, there seems to be a toilet paper issue. I arrived in this bathroom at 6:30 pm on a Thursday and one of the stalls had no toilet paper in it. I can understand this occurring on a Saturday around one in the morning and not being too concerned about it. However, few things are more important in a bar than making sure you have enough paper products early in the evening to last you throughout the night. In terms of good aspects to the bathroom experience, each stall had a coat hook - which saves your jacket, bag, etc. from potentially dragging or lying on a filthy bar bathroom floor. There were three stalls, so very little wait time if any. And the piece de resistance - the hand dryer. They had an Excel Dryer which is absolutely amazing. I didn't believe it when I read the sticker on it saying "Feel the Power", but this thing has enough power to completely dry hands in 10 seconds. Plus, since it shoots warm air at you at such a high speed, you can see every bone in your hands while your skin is experiencing this wind tunnel, which is highly entertaining.

• Cleanliness - 2.5 flushes
• Aroma - 2.5 flushes
• Pros - "Feel the Power" of the hand dryer (it will blow you away...Ha!), coat hooks, large mirror
• Cons - maneuvering down the stairway and through the dark hallway to get to the bathroom, not enough toilet paper, no locks on stall doors
  
• Overall experience - 2.5 flushes
  

The Red Bench

Probably the worst placed bathroom thus far reviewed. The single bathroom at The Red Bench sits awkwardly in the back of this very small bar and actually butts ups against two tables typically filled with people. The bathroom itself is quite large, with plenty of room to sit comfortably, unlike many of the tables surrounding the bathroom. It has a large mirror above the sink, and the sink counter is big enough to balance a purse on. But one should not feel completely at home and secure in this bathroom. Since once you emerge, due to it being such a small bar and people sitting right next to the bathroom door, everyone will know whatever you have done in there. And if there are intoxicated people, which does tend to happen at a bar, they could make a big stink...about your big stink.

• Cleanliness - 2 flushes
• Aroma - 2.5 flushes
• Pros - large mirror, space to move around in, plenty of paper products
• Cons - location of bathroom, no coat hook
• Overall experience - 2.5 flushes

Odessa

All the way in the back of Odessa you will find a single men and women's bathroom. The women's room is placed directly across from the kitchen door, which gives you a slight feeling of insecurity that somewhere in the bathroom could be a peep hole used to entertain the kitchen staff. The decor of the bathroom is reminiscent of at least my ideas of Soviet Russia - red, stark and utilitarian. The toilet has a black toilet seat, which shows a lot less filth than a white toilet seat. The terra-cotta tile floors also hides the dirt, making the whole space feel cleaner than it most likely is. A nice touch is the plunger - this is a bar/restaurant that serves heavy Russian food. It could be useful.

• Cleanliness - 2.5 flushes
• Aroma - 2.5 flushes
• Amenities - has all of the essentials and a plunger
• Overall experience - 2.5 flushes

Kush

At Kush, the Moroccan theme of the bar/lounge extends into the bathrooms. They are located past the first bar, before you hit the second. There are two stalls in the ladies room. Opt for the one nearest the door. Both are small, however, the one near the door has a much better layout, allowing you to sit comfortably on the toilet, rather than having to straddle the door as you sit, as you would have to in the other stall. The two main pluses of this bathroom are the large and adorned sink area with three mirrors and the soft lighting, which will make you think you look much better than you probably do when you emerge from the bathroom to rejoin your party. One thing to note are trash cans - they are those wicker-basket looking things in either stall and next to the main door. They may look too nice to throw anything into, but they are there for that purpose.

• Cleanliness - 1.5 flushes
• Aroma - 1.5 flushes
• Pros - 3 mirrors, beautiful sink area, paper products, soap in a decorative soap dispenser
• Cons - bathrooms stalls are a bit small
• Overall experience - a new record: 1.5 flushes (Sorry Dove Parlor)

Sputnik

If you ever find yourself in Bed-Stuy in need of a bathroom followed by a libation, look no further than Sputnik. There is one bathroom on the main floor of Sputnik located to the right of the bar. With only one bathroom, there can be a wait, but at least you are able to pull up a seat at the bar and have a drink or a conversation with the bartender while you wait. The bathroom has all of the essentials: sink, hand soap, trash can, toilet paper and paper towels. It does, however, lack a real mirror. Instead of a typical above-the-sink mirror, there are 4 small circular ones, which don't really offer you the full picture. Also, the flushing mechanism for the toilet is a bit tricky. Instead of a knob or handle, there is a chain, which when pulled, makes you feel like you are going to pull over the tank. Luckily, no such travesty befell the bathroom users the evening I was at the bar, but mark my words, it will happen one day.

• Cleanliness - 2.5 flushes
• Aroma - 2.5 flushes
• Pros - plenty of toilet paper and ample space to move around in
• Cons - a little to close to all the action to feel like you have any privacy, mirror is lacking, nowhere to hang a coat or purse (except for over the door knob)
• Overall experience - 2.5 flushes

Iggy's - Upper East Side

To get to the bathrooms at Iggy's walk all the way past the enormous bar and hang a left. If you hit the karaoke stage and they force you to sing a song, you've gone to far. There are two bathrooms located in this area - choose the closer one since the farther one always seems to be a bit messier. Unlike most bathrooms that have been reviewed previously, which are located in the main room of a place, there is no feeling of a loss of privacy at Iggy's. The main room is usually not well lit and most people have their attention to the people doing karaoke on stage. Being that these bathrooms are located in a divey bar, they provide you with everything you need - 2 trash cans per bathroom and antibacterial soap. On this occasion, there were paper towels and toilet paper, but very often they run out, so you may want to steal a few napkins from the bar, just in case.

• Cleanliness - a pleasantly surprising 3 flushes on this visit, but could be anywhere from 2.5 to 4.5 flushes
• Aroma - stale beer and urine: 4 flushes
• Pros - a small ledge to carefully balance your bag on, antibacterial soap, mirror above the sink
• Cons - occasional lack of paper products, sticky floors
• Overall experience - 4 flushes

Sing Sing Karaoke - Avenue A

There are two bathrooms located on the first floor at Sing Sing on Avenue A. Located past the bar and down the long corridor where memorable 80s tunes are being screamed at you from all sides, you will find these two unisex rooms. Always chose the one along the back wall (which may officially have been the ladies room at one time, but years of singers with too much beer have wiped any evidence of that away). The "ladies room" is much larger than the other one, almost twice the size of the smallest private karaoke room in the place. Very often, throughout the evening, condition of the bathrooms will deteriorate heavily, as beers turn into shots and 80s songs degenerate into debauched renditions of Cabaret. So get there early, or else wear galoshes.

• Cleanliness - 3 flushes during happy hour, 4 flushes after 10 pm
  
• Aroma - a not so pleasant 3.5 flushes
• Pros - a lot of open space, 2 mirrors, paper towels, soap
• Cons - toilet paper just a little too far from seat for it to be comfortable, sad fake plant in the corner, trash can is always overflowing
• Overall experience - 3.5 flushes
  

The Patriot

The bathroom at the Patriot is what you would expect in a bar with Merle Haggard on the jukebox, a giant alligator hanging from the ceiling and waitresses pleased to get up on the bar and show you their goods - let's just say, it is there, it is functional, but it is not the type of place you want to stay for any length of time. Not that it does not have all the necessities - 2 toilets (in the ladies room, I never ventured into the men's), a sink, a mirror, hand soap, and paper towels. Of the two stalls, I'd suggest using the one to the right of the door. It is larger and better lit. The one to the left has the door too close to the toilet, so when sitting down you have to balance yourself on the door and in getting up, you better hope your calves are up to the challenge. A plus and a minus is that the bathrooms are located in the back of the bar, flanking the jukebox. The plus is that you can listen to good music while you are doing whatever you are doing. The minus is that since the music is so loud you almost need to shield your ears on the way in and on the way out of the bathroom so as not to wake up with a ringing sound in the morning. The people at the Patriot did, however, try to spice up the decor by hanging Christmas lights from the ceiling.

• Cleanliness - 4 flushes (it is divey, but you know what you are getting yourself in to by coming to a place like this)
• Aroma - 2.5 flushes
• Pros - good tunes to entertain you while you are using the facilities
• Cons - need earplugs on the way in and out, no place to hang your bag or coat
• Overall experience - 3 flushes
  

Nancy Whiskey Pub

The bathroom at the Nancy Whiskey Pub has everything a dive bar bathroom should have. It has two non-unisex bathrooms for one, giving you a place of refuge when being eyed by some of the older drunk patrons, or a place of solace after a few too many shots; it has ample amounts of paper products; a fantastic assortment of graffiti on the walls; a place to rest your bag/jacket/etc. if you feel unsure about leaving them at your table or at the bar. The bathroom is located in the back of the bar, where the ceilings get shorter, making you feel like you're in the scene in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory right before the children enter the heart of the factory. Although here instead of finding a land where you can eat everything, you will find a single toilet, sink, two mirrors, and a plunger if necessary (nice touch).

• Cleanliness - 2 flushes
  
• Aroma - 2 flushes (located near the kitchen so the smell of fried food lingers in)
• Pros - quite, secure, large room to sit and contemplate, a counter to rest your belongings, lots of art and literature on the walls
• Cons - locking mechanism on door can be a bit hard to navigate, single bathroom = potential wait time
• Overall experience - 2 flushes
  

Southpaw

On a trip to Park Slope this weekend, I came across this bathroom at Southpaw. The bathrooms are located downstairs and the first thing you will notice are four free-standing sinks in between the two restrooms. I have to admit that at first I was a bit confused by their placement and general awkwardness. Maybe they are there since there is only a single sink in each of the official restrooms, which at the time I visited, did not have any soap or paper towels. Or perhaps they are there in case all of the urinals in the men's room are occupied. Another confusing thing is determining which is the men's room and which the women's. At least when I was there, the downstairs area was not very well lit and the black placards distinguishing the two genders were not very visible. Once inside the restrooms, there are a number of small stalls enclosed by curtains (at least on the women's side). The toilets are adequate and the space per stall is not excessive. There is also good reading material located on the walls of each stall, sure to keep you entertained. A single sink is loacted along the back wall of the bathroom, with a small mirror located above it. But go to the sinks outside of the restrooms if you want to wash your hands.

• Cleanliness - 3 flushes
• Aroma - 3 flushes
• Pros - with a couch located outside of the restrooms, you can take a rest from the bands upstairs, so many sinks, so little time
• Cons - you may feel as if you are peeing out in the open, since there are no doors, anywhere
• Overall experience - 3 flushes

Loreley

If the bathroom at Loreley was explained in rental terms, it would be the hottest property on the Lower East Side - Charming 2 true rooms with exposed brick walls, stainless steel fixtures, and lots of light in a lively neighborhood. Of course, living in the bathroom at this bar may be quite difficult with the constant pounding on the door from patrons who want in. With only two bathrooms located just as you walk in the bar, there is often a wait. They claim that the rooms are unisex, but my recommendation is women should go to the one on the left and men on the right. I have a feeling that is pretty much the norm, since when I tested out both rooms, the one on the right was smaller, a bit smellier, the toilet seat was up and the floor was sufficiently splattered. Both offer the same amenities, large mirror, good light, more than enough toilet paper located both on the roll and on top of the tank. Handrails were located at a better distance to the toilet than at a previously reviewed beer hall in the city.

• Cleanliness - started at 1.5 flushes when I first got there but went down to 3 flushes by the time I left
• Aroma - 2 flushes for the room on the left, 3 flushes for the right
• Pros - useful handrails, lots of toilet paper, large mirror, close to the main bar
• Cons - long line, may make you feel bad about your current apartment
• Overall experience - 2.5 flushes
  

Lederhosen

Welcome to the ladies room at Lederhosen, a German bar/restaurant in the West Village. It is a single room located past the bar, in the dining area. Since there is room for only one, and ladies on average take a longer time in the bathroom than men, you will most likely encounter a line. This can be a bit of an embarrassing experience, especially if you have guzzled down a couple liters of beer. But once inside, you are welcomed by a hand-written message over the toilet inviting all types of women to use the facilities. Hand rails are helpful for the inebriated, but are placed a little too far from the toilet to give any real support. There is a mirror above the sink, paper towels on a roll and an extra roll in the room just in case. Sweet smelling soap and the reassuring "Employees must wash hands" sign complete the overall pleasant experience.

• Cleanliness - 3 flushes
• Aroma - 1.5 flushes (the smell of sauerkraut and wurst would cover any unpleasant bathroom odors)
• Pros - single room for some alone time, plentiful paper products, pleasant graffiti
• Cons - having to do the pee-pee dance for a dining room full of intoxicated West Villagers
• Overall experience - 2.5 flushes

Al Dente

Because bathrooms do exist in locations other than our home and bars, here is the bathroom at Al Dente, a very nice Italian restaurant on the Upper West Side. The restaurant itself is a bit small, as are most in New York, but that leaves very few options in the way of bathroom placement. Unfortunately, the designers of Al Dente decided to place the bathroom in the main dining room. Yes, they may have one of those fans that will protect diners from normal bathroom sounds, but still, one fears that should a "problem" arise in the restroom, the rest of the dining room may know. In the small space they do offer some sweet smelling soap, a hand-dryer, and a mirror, so at least when you emerge from the bathroom with a guilty expression on your face and an audience of diners with distraught expressions, you will look and potentially smell your best.

• Cleanliness - 2 flushes
• Aroma - 2 flushes (since you can smell the wonderful meal sitting at your table)
• Overall experience - 3 (points taken off for awkward bathroom placement)
• Amenities - hand-dryer and nice smelling soap

Photos were taken by our foreign correspondent Yuli Vladimirsky...from Connecticut.

The Irish Rogue

One would think that a bathroom located at a bar within blocks of Time Square would be the type of place you would not want to spend much time in. However, my bathroom experience at The Irish Rogue, was quite a pleasant one. The bathroom was rather large, with two stalls, enclosed by very large wooden doors. These doors provide the utmost of privacy extending from about 4 inches above the floor to 4 inches from the ceiling. A nice touch in each stall is garbage can, with a foot pedal, so there is no need to dirty your hands. There is one sink, hand soap, and the option of a hand-dryer or some paper towels on the counter. The one downside to the overall experience was having to push down on the handle for the toilet to flush with my entire bodyweight.

• Cleanliness - 2.5 flushes
• Aroma - 2 flushes
• Overall experience - 2 flushes (points take off for unnecessary exertion of energy on toilet flushing)
• Amenities - hand-dryer, paper towels, hand soap, 2 mirrors angled in such a way as to allow you to see your hair from the front and the side at the same time (nice touch)

The Dove Parlor

The bathroom at The Dove Parlor, located just south of Washington Square park, is a cut above the rest (at least those reviewed thus far). The bathroom follows the theme of the rest of the bar, feeling like a Victorian boudoir, with deep red walls, multiple stylized mirrors, and brass fixtures. Yet, this feeling is disrupted by the pointless No Smoking sign over the sink and the plastic paper towel, toilet paper, and soap dispensers hanging from the walls. A nice touch are the swinging parlor doors on each stall. Although should you drink a few too many Silver Foxes, the swinging doors could be a bit of a hazard and the tiny locking mechanisms are can be a little tricky to master.

• Cleanliness - 2 flushes
• Aroma - 2 flushes
• Overall experience - 2 flushes
• Amenities - plentiful amounts of paper towels and toilet paper, multiple mirrors, swinging parlor doors
  

McCaffrey & Burke

For those of you who think that these Upper Eastsiders never leave the island, allow me to introduce you to the bathroom at McCaffrey & Burke, in Astoria, just beneath the 30th Ave. stop on the N. The bathrooms are located in the back of the bar, conveniently placed next to the back door/outdoor smoking area, just in case the line to the bathroom is a bit too long. The bathrooms are quite large; large enough, as a good friend of mine pointed out, to make out with two people at once in. The long sink-area may seem a bit excessive for only one stall and one sink, but you never know when you may desire a little extra space. There is a hand-dryer as well as a supply of paper towels, which offers patrons a nice option. A mirror and antibacterial soap are available by the sink so one can spruce themselves up before returning the bar.

• Cleanliness - 3 flushes
• Aroma - 3 flushes
• Overall experience - 3 flushes
• Amenities - hand-dryer and paper towels, antibacterial hand soap, large "enough" sink area