Jeremy's Ale House

Past the lotto machine and around the bend you'll find the bathrooms at Jeremy's Ale House. There are separate mens and ladies rooms hiding out in closet-like crevices back there. The ladies room has barely any room between the toilet and the sink, so the best approach is to sit sideways. The bathroom is always rather clean, I suspect due to very few ladies actually coming into the bar (though it's one of my favorites!). On warm days, the smell of frying seafood permeates through the bathroom door...this is much more pleasant than the stale beer smell on other days. The bathroom doesn't suffer from a lack of toilet paper (also probably due to it being used so infrequently). It does, however, lack a toilet paper holder, a mirror, and has an anemic hand dryer. The mirror can be excused though, since there is a mirrored beer sign just outside the bathroom. My favorite thing about this bathroom is squirt-bottle soap dispenser, always full of the pink industrial strength stuff.

• Cleanliness - 1.5 flushes
  
• Aroma - 2.5 flushes
  
• Pros - plenty of paper products, located in an awesome bar/restaurant
  
• Cons - very small, pretty useless hand dryer, no mirror inside the bathroom
  
• Overall experience - 2 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

The Landmark Tavern

Way out on 11th avenue you'll find the Landmark Tavern. Perhaps because of its way out there location, the bathroom in the establishment is not often used. For me that makes it a great find, since it's warm, clean, and at least when I was there, there was no line. Go past the bar and into the back dining area and on the left you'll see the sign for the ladies room (the men's room is right at the end of the bar on the left side as well...and I appreciate that the ladies room is a bit more secluded than the men's). The bathroom is a single with ample room. A nice touch was the coat hook on the door, so you don't have to desperately try to perch your coat on the knob or search for the least wet spot on the floor to lay it down. When I visited the bathroom there was barely any toilet paper left on the roll, though three extra rolls were left on the back of the toilet. There are three mirrors in the bathroom, with an additional one facing you as you exit the room...a bit excessive for the insecure, but ideal for the vain. A bottle of fragrant Soft Soap was available on the sink and a full paper towel dispenser was located just above the large trash bin. The bathroom smelled quiet fresh and clean, probably due to the Tri-State Scent deodorizer hung on the wall. Overall, a very pleasant experience.

• Cleanliness - 1.5 flushes
  
• Aroma - 1.5 flushes
  
• Pros - single, secure, isolated bathroom, good upkeep, coat hook, plenty of paper products
  
• Cons - hot water was very hot...so watch out
  
• Overall experience - 1.5 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

And we're back...coming to you from d.b.a.

So, London Toilets didn't catch on, which is why I'm back in New York (well, not exactly). Now that I'm a few years older, as is my bladder, New York Toilets will be bringing to you toilets from all walks of life, coming to you from all boroughs, wherever and whenever there is a public toilet available and in need of rating.

First on the list is d.b.a. in the East Village. The bathrooms are located at the back of the bar on the right in a dark little crevice (in the summer, when you've been sitting in the outside garden sipping your beer in the sunshine, trying to find the bathroom doors in this dark little crevice can be challenging, but in the winter it's manageable). The ladies room is on the right and the men's is on the left. Magically, in a ladies room the size of a standard single bathroom, they have managed to fit two stalls (psst...this means SMALL). Opt for the stall on the right, which is marginally larger and not in the path of the door to the bathroom. However, in either one your knees will probably touch the doors, which are swinging saloon-style doors with dubious locking mechanisms, so if privacy is an issue for you...well, then you're out of luck. There is some great reading material on the walls of either stall. Though small, the bathroom is rather clean with plenty of industrial strength pink hand soap and toilet paper (though my last visit was on a Sunday afternoon, and if memory serves me correctly, I have found myself having to use the tissues I always carry with me on a Saturday night). The hand dryer is a bit anemic, so it would be nice if they could put out paper towels as well...your hair or jeans will have to do for now.

• Cleanliness - 2.5 flushes
  
• Aroma - 3 flushes
  
• Pros - interesting graffiti, full soap dispenser
  
• Cons - may need night vision goggles to find the outer door, no leg room or adequate locks
  
• Overall experience - 3 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

The Blind Tiger

There are two bathrooms located in back at the Blind Tiger in the West Village. Both are labeled WC, and can be occupied by either sex. When I wandered into one around 4 p.m. on a Sunday, it seemed more like a bathroom in a hip club on a Friday night. There were wadded up paper towels and toilet paper on the floor surrounding the waste bin and there was fresh urine on the seat and splattered on the floor. But there was a NY Jets game on and the bar was full of large men in their jerseys, so it was kind of appropriate. What made the bathroom redeemable, aside from being in a bar with an enormous variety of excellent beers on tap, was the lighting (which was very bright, yet flattering) and the hand dryer. I have expounded on the glory that is the Excel Dryer, the XLERATOR® in a previous post. The Blind Tiger has this hand dryer, able to dry your soaked hands in mere seconds, sending a jet of air at crazy speeds, and making the skin from your hands look like it's melting off, leaving only bone. I do love these things. There were also paper towels offered, but who needs that when you have the XLerator? Other pluses - ample amounts of toilet paper and a very secure locking mechanism on the door (which you have to wiggle it a bit for it to lock).

• Cleanliness - 2.5 flushes
  
• Aroma - 2 flushes
  
• Pros - XLerator (need I say more), good lighting, extra rolls of toilet paper, anti-bacterial hand soap, large heavy door with strong lock
  
• Cons - not having distinct men's & women's bathrooms (could help with the uriney mess)
  
• Overall experience - 2 flushes
  

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

The Anyway Cafe

The bathroom at The Anyway Cafe may not be the largest, or cleanest, or most hi-tech, but it is certainly not to be missed. There is a single bathroom located beyond the bar and next to the hanging curtain that encases the kitchen, so there will probably be a wait in a highly trafficked area. But once you get beyond the frosted glass-windowed door, which thankfully you can't see into or out of, you enter a New York restroom of the past. The toilet seat has weights on the back of it, I assume to make it easier for weak hipster men to lift up. The toilet has the tank above it, but does lack a pull-chain for flushing (only has a standard handle), so those patrons that are vertically-challenged may need to stand on tip-toes to flush. The sink is set into a corner in the tiled-wall, keeping it out of the way in this rather small space, and has two soap options. An old oval mirror, reminiscent of the one at Grandma's house, is on the wall to the right of the sink. When you stare into it, especially after a shot of the wonderful infused vodkas from the bar, with the soft overhead lighting, you feel like you have stepped back in time.

• Cleanliness - 2 flushes (old tyme does mean slightly grimy)
  
• Aroma - 2 flushes
  
• Pros - two types of hand soap, interesting bathroom fixtures, good lighting
  
• Cons - only one bathroom, so there will be a wait, toilet handle could be a bit too high for some to reach
  
• Overall experience - 2 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

Peasant

There are two uni-sex bathrooms at Peasant located to the left behind the hostess podium. The bathroom lighting is low and romantic, there are perfumed sticks in a jar behind the toilet, the heavy wooden door provides a feeling of privacy and security, the space is large and comfortable, all inviting you to a fabulous bathroom experience. The rustic Italian theme continues into the bathroom with distressed walls, a stone slab holding up the counter-top glass sink, and olive oil hand soap. There are handrails next to the toilet and a plunger provided just in case. There is a small stack of paper towels located to the left of the sink, which could run out if not replenished often.

• Cleanliness - 1.5 flushes (there were a few stray paper towel lying around the garbage can)
  
• Aroma - 1 flush
  
• Pros - olive oil hand soap, synthetic flowers
  
• Cons - romantic lighting is a bit too low for a makeup touch-up, toilet paper is further from the toilet than makes for a comfortable reach
  
• Overall experience - 1.5 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

White Horse Tavern

Yes, Dylan Thomas drank in this historic West Village bar, but more importantly, he must have used the bathroom here. And he probably encountered the same mess as I did last time I visited the ladies room at White Horse Tavern. To the left of the bar, past two rooms of merry-makers, and on the right you will find the ladies room. There are two toilets, and two sinks (though one is located within the far stall and the other is located in the area between the two stalls). I would head to the far stall for more privacy and more space. The sink in the far stall also has a mirror above it and a hand dryer, whereas the one in the in-between region is sans mirror and only has paper towels...which, as you can see from my photos, are lying everywhere. My main complaint with this bathroom is the trash..on the floor, on the walls, coming out of the trash cans. It reminds me of the bathroom at L'Express. Perhaps filthy surroundings lead to creative pursuits, but they also leads to bad reviews.

• Cleanliness - 3.5 flushes
• Aroma - 2.5 flushes
  
• Pros - hand drying options, plenty of industrial strength soap
  
• Cons - trash everywhere, puddles on floor
  
• Overall experience - 3 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

Staten Island Ferry Terminal (Manhattan side)

Every New Yorker knows that the best deal in town is a ride on the Staten Island Ferry. There is nothing better than a free boat ride with cheap beer on a beautiful New York day. But few know what wonders can be found in the bathroom in Manhattan terminal. The women's bathroom is immaculately clean and wonderfully hi-tech with a slight prison-of-the-future essence. You won't find any handles or knobs here since all toilets and sinks work on sensors. The decor is stainless steel (keeps you cool in the summer and frozen in the winter). Above the perfectly-spaced sinks are perfectly-spaced mirrors, and soap in nearly all soap dispensers. And as an added touch, there are paper towels for drying hands as well as an electric hand dryer. The only possible complaint is the occasional pigeon found nesting above the entrance to the bathroom, but I think this adds to the ambiance.

• Cleanliness - 1 flushes
• Aroma - 1.5 flushes
• Pros - many stalls, many mirrors, toilets and sinks with sensors, plenty of paper products
• Cons - potential for getting stuck to the toilet seat during the winter, possibly pigeon-bombs upon entering the bathroom
• Overall experience - 1.5 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

Dallas BBQ (East Village)

Be sure to hold onto the railing if you've already downed a Texas-sized pina colada and need to hit the bathroom at the Dallas BBQ in the East Village. Pass the bar, the register, and the kitchen, and on the right you will find a rather steep stairwell down to the bathrooms. The women's room has two stall, one of which is always out of order. The bathroom is rather clean and smells of disinfectant, which I guess is a good thing, considering what it could smell like. The stall, in operation, has a large garbage can in it, and plenty of paper products. There is a long mirror above the sink, as well as a full-length mirror on the opposite wall, excellent for making sure your skirt isn't stuck up into your underwear.

• Cleanliness - 1.5 flushes
• Aroma - 2 flushes (although disinfectant may not smell too bad, you have to wonder what it is covering up)
• Pros - large garbage can in the stall, plenty of paper products, many mirrors
• Cons - only one toilet is ever functioning, steep stairwell leading to bathroom
• Overall experience - 2 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

The Subway Inn

Few brave souls venture into the Subway Inn on 60th and Lex, let alone into the bathroom. But I, like Virgil, will lead you into this nether region known only to a chosen few (those who just can't hold it in till they get home). Located past the dimly lit bar, in the back of the room are the men's and women's bathrooms. Each is a single occupancy room, large enough to cram in possibly 2 people. The women's room is sparsely decorated, with many an interesting message scrawled on the once white walls. The door to the stall barely closes, as does the door to the bathroom itself, but most of the regulars with their heads in their hands drinking bottles of bud at the bar will rarely notice. What the bathroom lacks in privacy, it also lacks in toilet paper and water pressure. But there is a bar of soap over the sink for cleanliness and a poorly lit mirror for those makeup touch ups that no one in the bar will ever notice.

• Cleanliness - 3.5 flushes
  
• Aroma - 3 flushes
• Pros - soap, working facilities, interesting reading material on the walls
  
• Cons - lack of paper products, doors that don't shut, puddles on the floor
  
• Overall experience - 3.5 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

My New Toilet

After a long hiatus, New York Toilets is back. I'm sure all two of you missed me. I'd like to start out again with a toilet I have grown quite fond of. Located somewhere in the West Village, this unisex bathroom is relatively clean. The toilet is conveniently located beneath a frosted window. In front of the window there is a large ledge, where ample amounts of reading material and extra toilet paper reside. The toilet is situated next to the bathtub, "Perfect," my father-in-law says, "in case you want to soak your feet while you are sitting on the toilet." The sink is average, with a mirror above it. There is good light coming both the window and the lights above the mirror. The soap is typically something smelling of honey (since this is what is most often on sale). Unfortunately, there is rarely anywhere to dry your hands, except for on our bath towels (mental note, get hand towels). There is no distinct odor to the bathroom itself, and it is located next to the kitchen, so on rare occasions, when I cook, the bathroom could take on the lovely odor of the evening's meal. The best things about this bathroom is that the door and surrounding walls must be rather thick since you can rarely hear when a person is using the facilities.

• Cleanliness - typically between 1.5 and 2 flushes
• Aroma - 1.5 flushes
• Pros - sweet-smelling soap, reading material, extra toilet paper, plus bathing possibilities
• Cons - only one bathroom in the apartment, so there could be a wait; no where to dry your hands that isn't my towel
• Overall experience - 1.75 flushes

Eight Mile Creek

The bathroom at Eight Mile Creek is a bit difficult to find, even when not inebriated. Go past the bar and the patrons seated eating their dinner and you will arrive in a dark hallway before you hit the kitchen and on your right you will find a door. Now for the tricky part - the door slides open to the left. So you can push forward with all your might and curse the imaginary person inside for taking so long, but it would be pointless since all you have to do is apply a bit of pressure and slide the door to the left. When you finally make your way into the bathroom, you will find a gem. It's wood backsplash, soothing moss-green walls, lit aromatic candles, sweet smelling handsoap, fresh flowers, soft toilet papers will lead you to believe the Aussies treat their guest much better than American bar/restaurants do.

• Cleanliness - 1 flush
• Aroma - 1.5 flushes ( the scented candles and close vicinity to the kitchen do the trick)
• Pros - soft toilet paper, good amount of paper towels, large room, well decorated
• Cons - difficult to find, and once found, difficult to open the damn door
• Overall experience - 1.5 flushes (now tied for 1st place with Kush)

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

Bubby's - Tribeca

The bathroom at Bubby's continues the eclectic and eccentric decor of the restaurant, but too much attention seems to be focused on kitsch rather than practicality. Case and point - the place is decorated with framed pictures on the pepto-pink walls, lace table cloth on the table next to the sink, and hard water stains in the free standing sink for a very grandma's-bathroom-feel, but the stalls have no trash cans (even when the sign above the toilet states nothing can be thrown in the toilet besides toilet paper, so where is one supposed to throw things?) There was also a terrible lack of toilet paper on the afternoon I was there. But, for some unknown reason, there was a spare roll sitting next to the sink, just a bit out of reach.

• Cleanliness - 3 flushes (it is supposed to feel old so it can't be too clean)
• Aroma - 2.5 flushes
• Pros - plunger, 2 stalls and if there is a really long line, there is a game room down the hall, large mirror, places in the stalls and by the sink to rest your belongings
• Cons - lack of toilet paper in the necessary places, no trash cans in stalls
• Overall experience - 3 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

L'Express

Head straight past the bar to the small, dark hallway on the right and you will find the single men and ladies room at L'Express. Here you may encounter a line, but at least they provide you with reading material and a mirror to amuse yourself with. The bathroom is very dimly lit, and with the dark grey-tiled walls everything is almost indiscernible. Even though this is a 24 hour joint, they still need to fit in a bathroom cleaning every now and again. I went on a Sunday morning for brunch and there was toilet paper surrounding the toilet and paper towels spilled all over the counter. Otherwise, the bathroom was relatively clean and smelled pleasant enough, with a large counter above the sink to hold my belongings, toilet seat covers, and plenty of paper products (albeit, strewn about).

• Cleanliness - 3.5 flushes
• Aroma - 2.5 flushes
• Amenities - large sink, mirror, enjoyable artwork above the toilet, toilet seat covers, industrial pink soap
• Overall experience - 3 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

Mo's Caribbean

The bathrooms at Mo's Caribbean seems a bit out of place in a Caribbean themed bar/restaurant and would make more sense aesthetically at a venue like Southpaw. It was a very nicely decorated with bright tiles and a red sink area, but I could see it becoming a bit disorienting after downing one-to-many shots at the bar. There were three stalls in the ladies room, each with enough space to sit comfortably. Each had a trash can and ample amounts of toilet paper (so much someone decided to decorate the floor of one stall with it). On the wall above the sink area was white industrial soap and a paper towel dispenser.

• Cleanliness - 3 flushes
• Aroma - 3 flushes
• Pros - large room with 3 stalls, 2 mirrors - one above sinks and the other above a convenient shelf along one wall
• Cons - located downstairs - which can be difficult to maneuver while intoxicated, slightly alarming decor
• Overall experience - 3 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

Muldoon's

At Muldoon's in midtown, you'll find two single bathrooms located on the wall directly across from the bar. The women's room has all of the necessities - 2 toilet paper rolls located at a good distance from the toilet, soap dispenser with industrial pink soap, mirror, trash can, and a paper towel dispenser. The bathroom is typically cleanish and large enough for you to comfortably sit and contemplate. The only problem with the bathroom is the location. Since Muldoon's is essentially a long hallway with not much room in between the bathroom wall and the bar, one does not have a slight sense of security - you can certainly hear the people at the bar when in the bathroom, so it only makes sense that they can hear you too. Fortunately, on Wednesday nights they have karaoke at Muldoon's so everyone will be listening to bad renditions of Don't Look Back In Anger rather than listening to you.

• Cleanliness - 3 flushes
• Aroma - 2.5 flushes
• Pros - easily accessible from the bar
• Cons - too easily accessible from the bar
• Overall experience - 3 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

Hooters

In a place where women are treated like objects, you'd think they'd treat their objects to a nice bathroom - one with full length mirrors so the girls can make sure their outfits are exposing the right parts; perhaps one with good lighting so that the girls can apply their makeup to perfection; one maybe with a chair or bench where the girls could take a break. But there are no such amenities in the Hooters bathroom. Hang a right after you come in the front door and follow the "John J. Crapper" signs to the right and you will happen upon the bathrooms. The women's bathroom has a very industrial feeling to it with a kindergarten classroom aesthetic quality - as seen in the primary color tiles on the walls. The sink counter is quite large, but looks like something you would find in an elementary school kitchen, rather than in a bathroom. And under it are boxes of industrial-sized cleaning products and other hazardous materials. There are three stalls, one quite large with a baby changing table in it, two sinks, two soap dispensers (of course with the pink soap), two mirrors, and a paper towel roll.

• Cleanliness - 2.5 flushes
• Aroma - surprisingly it smelled more like cleaning products in here than buffalo wings, 3 flushes
• Pros - large with 3 stalls, each stall has its own trash can, lots of cleaning supplies for really large messes
• Overall experience - 2.5 flushes

Toilet-locator (courtesy of Google maps)

Sutra

The downstairs bathrooms at Sutra are not as swanky as the cordon outside this club might lead you to believe. In fact, while I was there on Saturday night, I found them to be cramped, toilet paper was available, just not on the roll (much like in my apartment), the floor was wet and there was a foul odor in the air. Yes, these are bathrooms and they are not there for us to spend long periods of time in, however, there are things you can do in order to spruce them up a bit. Designating one bathroom men's and the other women's is always a good start. In most cases a men's bathroom tends to be dirtier, since as we all know, men don't have to sit down on the seat, so why keep it clean (especially at a bar). But women prefer to keep the toilet seat and floor as clean as possible, for obvious reasons. So, having two unisex rooms means you'll most likely end up with two equally dirty bathrooms and some very unhappy female patrons. Also, not just placing the toilet paper on the roll, but having the toilet paper roll in a location that is comfortable to reach while sitting down is nice, neither of which happened at Sutra. There was a small oval mirror over the sink, the standard pink industrial hand soap and a hand dryer (nothing as impressive as the Excel dryer at Coppersmith's).

• Cleanliness - 3.5 flushes
• Aroma - 3.5 flushes
• Pros - plunger, trash can, toilet paper (just not on the roll)
• Cons - small space, wet floor, only 2 single bathrooms so there could be a wait
• Overall experience - 3.5 flushes

Coppersmith's

The bathroom at Coppersmith's in Hell's Kitchen has a lot going for it, but also a lot of problems. First the problems - there are no locks on the stall doors. The doors do not swing open when you have closed them, but still, some sort of locking mechanism is always a good idea. Also, there seems to be a toilet paper issue. I arrived in this bathroom at 6:30 pm on a Thursday and one of the stalls had no toilet paper in it. I can understand this occurring on a Saturday around one in the morning and not being too concerned about it. However, few things are more important in a bar than making sure you have enough paper products early in the evening to last you throughout the night. In terms of good aspects to the bathroom experience, each stall had a coat hook - which saves your jacket, bag, etc. from potentially dragging or lying on a filthy bar bathroom floor. There were three stalls, so very little wait time if any. And the piece de resistance - the hand dryer. They had an Excel Dryer which is absolutely amazing. I didn't believe it when I read the sticker on it saying "Feel the Power", but this thing has enough power to completely dry hands in 10 seconds. Plus, since it shoots warm air at you at such a high speed, you can see every bone in your hands while your skin is experiencing this wind tunnel, which is highly entertaining.

• Cleanliness - 2.5 flushes
• Aroma - 2.5 flushes
• Pros - "Feel the Power" of the hand dryer (it will blow you away...Ha!), coat hooks, large mirror
• Cons - maneuvering down the stairway and through the dark hallway to get to the bathroom, not enough toilet paper, no locks on stall doors
  
• Overall experience - 2.5 flushes
  

The Red Bench

Probably the worst placed bathroom thus far reviewed. The single bathroom at The Red Bench sits awkwardly in the back of this very small bar and actually butts ups against two tables typically filled with people. The bathroom itself is quite large, with plenty of room to sit comfortably, unlike many of the tables surrounding the bathroom. It has a large mirror above the sink, and the sink counter is big enough to balance a purse on. But one should not feel completely at home and secure in this bathroom. Since once you emerge, due to it being such a small bar and people sitting right next to the bathroom door, everyone will know whatever you have done in there. And if there are intoxicated people, which does tend to happen at a bar, they could make a big stink...about your big stink.

• Cleanliness - 2 flushes
• Aroma - 2.5 flushes
• Pros - large mirror, space to move around in, plenty of paper products
• Cons - location of bathroom, no coat hook
• Overall experience - 2.5 flushes